Firestorm

My heart is heavy, so many things weighing it down. Perhaps if I write down some of my feelings, I will be able to make sense of things.  Although I think my sister Suzi is the only one who ever reads what I write.  I do find in therapeutic however, so I will indulge again. 

There has been much controversy the past couple of weeks over Elder Packer's talk in General Conference.  Scott and I were out of town that weekend, so we did not watch any live.  I have since read and re-read his talk, finding nothing new to be so fired up about, but fired up people are for sure.  My own Facebook has had a few references to this from family members that have caused some controversy and hurt feelings, and anger.  Matt started it all out with his status post stating he saw nothing wrong with being gay.  Amanda followed with a couple of things that caused some controversy also.  I am not sure why Matt felt the need to express this opinion, but express it he did.  This would not really mean a whole lot to most of the world, a man stating his opinion, one that is shared by many people.  However, Matt is not just any man.  He is my son; a brilliant, articulate, educated man who is not afraid of rustling any one's feathers.  He loves to argue, debate, dissect any topic.  The problem this time comes from the fact that many of his family were surprised  if not shocked by his statement.  It was not something they expected to hear a returned missionary, married in the temple, priesthood holder to say.  What many do not know is that Matt decided a year ago that he was leaving the church.  He describes himself as a "Happy Agnostic".  He has never asked us to conceal this, but neither has he made an effort to inform family.  I share this information not as retaliation but as explanation. I feel I owe this to those who might have been hurt or confused by his statements.

How do I feel about all this (the Gay issue)?  I am still sorting it out.  I have read many arguments from both sides through Facebook, news stories, and Blogs I follow.  I have read statements put out by the Church addressing this dust-up.  I feel sorry that Pres. Packer has received such cruel and vile comments.  His words were from the heart, and I feel, from the Lord.  My heart is troubled by all of this.

I also feel sorrow and compassion for those who struggle with this issue.  Are they to remain celebate for their entire lives?  I do not know what the answer is for them.  Theirs is a heavy cross to bear.  What would I do if I were in their shoes?  To difficult to ponder for my little brain.  My only personal experience with this is through the heartbreak of my sweet sister.  After 3 kids and 15 years of marriage her slime of a husband (yes I said SLIME) decided to "come out of the closet".  He had been breaking their marriage covenant for 10 years, putting her in at risk for contracting who knows what.  He destroyed any trust her children had in him and then he turned his back on them both emotionally and financially.  Gay or straight, no man should do that to his family.  So I have a bit of anger behind my feelings, as well as my belief in a Prophet of God that helps me to decide where I need to fall on this subject.

I will admit my testimony has been shaken of late.  It is very hard to have one of your children turn their back on everything you have taught them about God.  My faith has been shaken by the fact that after two years Scott is still unemployed.  We have always paid our tithes and offerings and have strived to serve in the Lord whenever asked.  Sometimes I feel we have been forgotten.  It is hard to deal with each disappointment as it comes along.  I do know know where Scott gets the will to keep going.  Most days I just want to hide in my bed.  We carry on, trying to do what we can.

I know that I have many blessings and should be counting them every day.  I am grateful for Wade and Erin for putting up with us this long.  I am grateful that we are not bankrupt.  I am grateful that my children are healthy.  I love my grandchildren and truly enjoy being with them each day. 

So I will end this pity-party now, go and watch Project Runway, and in the words of  Tim Gunn, "Make it work."

Julie